What If?

What's on my mind this week . . .

what if

I was reminded this weekend about an old teaching that helped snap me out of negative thinking when I was a young woman. It’s one I come back to again and again to keep me out of my own way.

What If’s were deeply imbedded in my consciousness, having grown up in a household filled with expectations of who I would become. I learned early on that one had to plan and answer lots of what if questions if you were going to be both successful and safe in the world. If you could only plan for every eventuality, all would be okay. Wouldn’t it?

Not so much. Each time, as an adult, I took a step forward, my feet were encased in booted blocks of what ifs. That job interview? Exhausting. By the time I got through all the preparation, ready to answer the questions my what ifs threw up, I was no longer able to respond authentically to any question asked. My attempt to use my sturdy what ifs were as little help reading my interviewer’s mind than they had been at reading the odds of approval from my parents.

Anxiety had me in its grip. After all, constantly needing to figure out every scenario of personal interactions, is mentally tiring and emotionally draining. And all with the goal of being seen as worthy by another person. I cloaked my anxiety in humor and achievement, seeming all the while as carefree as a dolphin playing in the sea, while underneath the next tsunami awaited. And you can’t really ever plan for the tsunamis that life sends your way, no matter how many what ifs and scenarios you try to anticipate.

By my thirties I had enough of my own mental spiral, and sought help. I took to therapy like that dolphin took to the sea, at home in a safe space to dig deep and let the emotions wash over me. Light bulbs of recognition and comprehension flashed at an incredible rate. It seems my analytical mind loved understanding the puzzles and patterns that formed my view of self and my view of my world.

But that therapeutic time was just a first step on a journey that quickly became spiritual. In uncovering my childhood wounds, I uncovered the yearnings of my soul. And my soul had a lot to say (still does). My soul pushed me towards early childhood dreams of creativity, specifically writing. The first time I sat down to write, my mind shoved a trove of what ifs to the forefront.

What if I’m no good at this? . . . What if no one will read it? . . . What if my parents were right and I can’t earn a living being creative? . . . What if . . . What if . . . What if?

The reappearance of my what ifs took me by surprise and showed me I still had the planful crisis manager of my childhood self deeply within. And she was ready to stop any movement in a direction that might not be able to be guaranteed safe and successful. She relied on her old mantra: If you could only plan for every eventuality, all would be okay. And sadly, under that system, the eventuality where my creativity would be a safe path in life was not a scenario that could be planned to the level my child crises manager self would need.

And that is when spirituality brought me the answer. I attended a local group studying spiritual development that exposed me to many authors and speakers - gurus of wisdom of the spirituality movements of various cultures and belief systems. And one big idea stuck. I listened to a talk by Esther Hicks (you know her from the Law of Attraction film The Secret). I had already adopted much of Louise Hay’s approach to the connection of thought to emotion and the use of affirmations. Today I still begin each day remembering that Louse Hay’s morning mantra was “only good lies before me today.”

But the flipping of the what ifs on their head by Esther Hicks made the biggest difference. I’m paraphrasing but her teaching was to align your what ifs not with what might go wrong so you could always be prepared but rather with the expectation of what might go right.

What if I’m a really good writer? . . . What if many people will read what I write? . . . What if my parents were wrong and I can earn a living being creative? . . . What if only good lies before me today?

Now, when I sit and work on my manuscript and those pesky what ifs knock at the door, I quickly invite their positively flipped versions in. And that beings with it a feeling of peace. I use this method with everything that comes across my path. A health issue? What if I am led to the exactly right healers to help me?

Anxiety thrives on fear and fearful thoughts. By snapping myself out of negative thinking so many years ago, I live my present with calm and peace, even through the tsunamis that still show up and swirl around.

What do you think? Do what ifs hound you when you go to step into something new? What if you are exactly where you need to be right now? What if your gifts and talents are needed and valued? What if you are an irreplaceable spark of light in the universe.

With love,

Cathleen