“To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” ~~ Author, Joan Didion
Peace dwells within when the mind and heart are free of expectations.
This weekend, as I watched the celebrations for the semiquincentennial (now there’s a word!) of the United States I thought about how my country is in a battle of clashing expectations and the connection of those expectations to true freedom. I could say a battle of ideology or use other terms but there is something about understanding expectations and their impact on the ability to live a peaceful and joyful life that feels at the heart of what is happening now.
The tricky bit is that expectations are not reality and often the gap is a source of pain, disappointment and conflict. And that’s where you find my country right now, stuck in the gap, neither side willing to budge.
Do I have expectations? Sure. I have expectations of myself and who I need to be; I have expectations of others and how they need to behave; I have expectations of how society should function, and even expectations of what it means to be a spiritually aware person in a not-so-spiritual world.
I have fewer expectations today than I did when I was a younger woman. I have learned that my having expectations of others was just a veiled attempt to ‘fix’ them. I have learned that to be free to be fully myself, I must release the need to meet the expectations of others.
It turns out that the fewer expectations I have, the happier I am. With fewer expectations it is easier for me to live in the moment and to live in balance. It may not be possible to let go of all expectations, but I have found value in allowing life to unfold without expectations of what should occur, or how someone should behave.
And that word, should, is key to understanding how things can change. As I’ve worked on becoming more present in my life, I’ve noticed that my expectations take me out of the present and into the past and future. Into the past where expectations came from parents and authority figures in school and Church that influenced my perceptions and understanding of how I should be. Into the future because expectations from others can paralyze me from moving forward if I am unsure of what it requires for me to be successful.
So, how do expectations show up? For me, expectations show up as thoughts of judgement as I go about my day. The opportunities for me to notice my expectations are many. I notice my expectations standing in the line at the supermarket checkout annoyed by a shopper in front of me not moving her cart up to allow me to put my groceries on the belt. Why? Because it’s just good manners to allow the person behind you in the checkout line to add their groceries to the belt. I notice my expectations driving in my car irritated by the driver in front of me who isn’t using his turn signals. Why? Because it’s good rules of the road and safe driving to use one’s turn signals. I notice my expectations waiting in my doctor’s waiting room and not being called in near the time stated by the practice. Why? Because, after waiting sometimes for a couple of months to get the appointment, they should respect my time. And who feels the pain of the gap of those expectations? Yes, it’s me.
Right now in the battle of expectations in my country, the shoulds are flying fast and loose and reaching critical mass. You should believe my way of worshiping. You should agree that spending government money preserving the environment over big energy interests is unpatriotic. You should realize that banning books is how we protect our children.
And I could give examples of the counter viewpoints, which reflect my own. But that is not my point. My point is that this nation is in a lot of pain, swirling in a gap, that can only be solved, as many think, by denying the rights and freedoms of others. The illusion that a world in which only one group’s expectations are met (an authoritarian world) will finally heal the pain is why so many cling to their positions, unable to have real dialogue to find solutions.
Expectations have a weight, one that can crush the authentic soul. That is why I work on becoming more aware of my thoughts. Even if I can’t hear the expectations flowing through my busy mind, their weight has an emotional charge that I feel. It is an emotional charge that can sap my joy. There’s a lovely quote by Rasheed Ogunlaru that helps me remember the path to freedom:
“Live your life, sing your song. Not full of expectations. Not for the ovations. But for the joy of it.” ~~~Author, Rasheed Ogunlaru
What I do know is that freedom for me is creating a life where I am at peace with my choices; a life where shoulds are a distant echo of thought patterns long-ago healed; a life where my only expectation is that I’m an inherently fallible being here to learn and experience all that life has to offer. And in doing so, I know that I am always and in all ways, good enough. And that is a beautiful thing.
It may seem like a small thing - one life living in peace and presence. But I believe I am one of a tide that is building, of something new arising, a true membership in a global humanity. I pray we get there so the world can fulfill it’s purpose as a true home to all beings in safety, peace and love.
With love,
Cathleen
Cathleen, these warm, wise reflections on expectations remind me how the weight of "should" can pull us away from this present moment and the heart’s capacity to love. More and more as I age, I feel that same shift you describe ... the slow, liberating release of expectations that were never mine in the first place. One of the ways I'm doing this is by moving away from my people-pleasing ways.
Your vision of a global We‑World (rather than today's very much Me-World!), born from presence rather than pressure, feels like a small, steady seed of hope. Thank you so much for guiding us to reach for our own freedom in these beautiful ways. Thank you again sharing your love and light. 🙏💖✨
This is beautiful, Cathleen. I'm taking your words as a guide going forward: "I’m an inherently fallible being here to learn and experience all that life has to offer." Thank you.
Karen